Rules for Proper gossiping

Now everyone knows gossiping is one of woman's favorite pass times. Although, gossiping is frowned upon by some and is considered a sin in most religious circles if not done properly. Therefore; I have come up with some rules on proper gossiping technique.
Rule number one: Don't call it gossip. I generally use the term "prayer request". That way I can cover the fact I am gossiping by requesting in full detail prayer for said individual.
Rule number two: As long as you let the person you are gossiping to know how much you truly love the person you are gossiping about, then gossip is okay to do.
Rule number three: If you and the person you are gossiping about are no longer friends, then gossip about that person is acceptable.
Rule number four: Before you gossip, make this statement, " Don't tell anyone". By making that statement beforehand it is not considered gossip. It is just two people carrying on a conversation.
Rule number five: If rule number four does not apply, then make this statement before you begin, "I would not say anything about them that I would not say to their face". This statement will allow you to proceed with said gossip.
Rule number six: As long as you don't gossip in a place of worship or at your place of employment, then it is okay to gossip.
Rule number seven: If you post it in your status on Facebook, then it is not gossip.
Rule number eight: Ignore rules one through seven.
Gossip is never a good idea. Even with the best of intentions the person being gossiped about will always be hurt. So, please do not gossip.